I have been remembering what it was like to be a lesbian in the 50's, 60's and 70's, to be an alcoholic, to be a woman in the Deep South, to be in battering relationships. These were tough times that need to be recorded as part of the history of that period I understand better now, that keeping silence means death, and that so much of the abuse I heaped on myself and received from others was about the internalized homophobia that we learned from those around us. I also need to remember that I could have been killed if I had come out in the wrong place or time. As it was, I came close to death many times.... At some point, I chose to come out, I chose life...When I wrote this poem, I was just beginning to find a new life for myself.
We sat at school at teachers' lunch hour,
You talked about your social life,
Your husbands, kids, your dates and dinners...
I always went somewhere with friends,
I said, and never spoke of lovers,
Never spoke of dates and dinners,
Never spoke of courting, crushes,
Never shared my secret home life,
Never talked of spats and quarrels...
You talked about your husband's job,
Kids' football games and music lessons,
Family and in-laws' visits,
Orthodontists, latest gossip,
Who was going out with whom,
And secret sex amongst the swingers...
Since I was gay, I wasn't open,
Couldn't tell you of my troubles.
I didn't tell that the slash
Across my wrist was self-inflicted,
Didn't speak of broken ear drums,
Though I couldn't hear you talking,
Didn't tell you I was kidnapped,
Though I almost lost my life then,
I walked home many nights from nowhere,
Faced the loaded gun unflinching,
Couldn't talk about my drinking,
Couldn't share with you my nightmare,
Couldn't risk the revelation,
Couldn't be a lesbian teacher,
Couldn't work among the children,
Couldn't touch them with compassion,
Couldn't influence their thinking,
Couldn't open minds with wonder,
Couldn’t laugh and play and sing
In case it was a dirty thing....
I risked my job, my lifetime's choosing,
Loved too much to chance the losing,
Chose instead the walls of silence,
Never spoke of dates and dancing,
Never spoke of love or splendor,
Never spoke of blows and beatings,
Angry that you couldn't know me,
Angry that you might betray me,
Knowing that you would betray me...
I lived it all in desperation,
Felt my life was slowly leaving,
Tried to kill myself a few times,
Lots of red lights, blue lights flashing,
Cops and doctors to the rescue,
But they couldn't heal the hurting,
And I never left the silence....
Then one day I found the courage,
Walked on out away from hiding,
Quit the job I loved and hated,
Found new job, new goals, new lover,
Found new life to live without you -
Couldn't share your dates and dancing,
Couldn't share your courting, crushes,
Husbands, kids and orthodontists,
Couldn't tell you why I left you,
But I'm glad now that it's over...
Gone to live now with the women,
Gone to find a Lesbian nation,
Gone to find my place among them,
Live my life in song and dancing,
Free to talk of dates and dinners,
Free to talk of friends and lovers,
Free to touch and teach in wonder,
Free to love the female gender,
Free to give my life to healing,
Safe and fearless in my loving.